Asif attacks

3 months later…but worth the wait November 27, 2009

at the urging of some of my biggest fans, here i am again writing a blog post. you might ask, asif what kept you so busy that you couldn’t spare 5 minutes to write a witty, shockingly entertaining, well crafted blog post, like those of the past we’ve come to love? the answer to that, my friend, is none of your business. a lady’s gotta have some mystery in her life. mmm hmmm. (read that last part using the voiceover of a heavyset black lady – trust me you’ll enjoy it)

so earlier today my brother texted me that tiger woods had died. i was shocked. appalled even. i mean, do you know how rich he is?? there are so many poor ppl who could’ve gone first. rich ppl aren’t supposed to die, or go to jail, or age.

after doing a quick google search, however, i saw that tiger woods was in fact NOT dead, was only in a minor car accident. so this affirmed two things for me – my brother is a filthy liar, who lies for attention, and has questionable hygiene, and is a stupid jerk. the other thing is unimportant.

oh yeah, i went to asia for 2 weeks. i guess i could talk about that. but i won’t. maybe in another blog post.

take care my dear readers, stay classy.

WOWWWWWWWWW i’m back August 18, 2009

here we go… hey man, shut up. pay attention. this is my 1st blog post IN A WHILE. i know one of my loyal readers – bald, jewish, mendelsohnian – wanted this. SO BADLY. begged me for it. so here it is. ARE YOU HAPPY? seriously, take stock in your life – are you happy? just kidding i don’t care.

let’s move on. the main reason i was blog-negligent for so long was bc of work. all work no play etc etc. you know how it is. you don’t? get a job you pathetic loser. but the storm has passed and now i’m back to wasting company time updating my blog.

i’m going to china soon, and will be flying business class to get there. my boss hooked it up. literally pays to know people in higher positions than you. btw the idea of flying business class across the world is the only exciting thing in my life right now. but it’s a pretty big deal. i mean have you ever even flown business class you stupid idiot? it’s amazing. you know what they say, once you go black you never go back. they also say business class is nice.

on a related note ping pong is also probably one of the best things in my life right now. and i’m not even that good at it. i’m still at 1.0. most people graduate to 2.0 in a matter of weeks. but i’ll keep playing until it pisses me off so much i can’t stand to look at it. kinda like my naked body. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ok i’ll leave you with that image suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. boooyakasha.

michael jackson, billy mays…who cares? June 29, 2009

so mj died last week (also ed mcmahon & farrah fawcett but rightfully so, nobody really cared about those deaths). even with mj though, nobody seems to be asking themselves some really important questions, like, why should i care?

for one thing, yes, whenever someone dies it’s a very sad thing. sure. the family has every right to grieve. but people die every day. i should care more about michael jackson be he was a celebrity? psshhhht. NOPE. plus, everyone seemed to instantly forget that mj was a pretty big child-molesting pervert sooooo….there’s that to think about too. i mean, people were CRYING about it. physically shedding tears over it. get a life you idiots.

ok, now, billy mays. the guy yelled loudly at a tv camera while holding random sub par products. honestly, who wouldn’t be able to do that? where is the skill in doing that? mj – fine, king of pop, he did a lot of different things with music, I GET IT (but still don’t think everyone should care so much about his death). billy mays though? a really loud annoying sales man? COME ON PEOPLE. god you all make me sick.

this made me LOL all over myself June 18, 2009

hope it does the same for you too

story of my life June 16, 2009

i don’t actually work in advertising but you get the idea.

see more at http://theawesomeworld.tumblr.com/

Does being Indian suck? A roundtable debate June 9, 2009

So my sister said I shouldn’t have said that being Indian sucks in my last post. First of all, in my defense, all races suck pretty equally, am I right? No one is blemish free. I mean, don’t even get me started on black people… JUST KIDDING!! Be cool man. Listen, I have black friends, so that makes me not racist right? Plus I voted for Obama and, not sure if you know this, but he’s black. We literally have a black president now you idiot.

But seriously, I’m not racist. I’m just an equal opportunity hater. And if I can’t make fun of Indian people, then who can? Non-Indian people? How dare they. I simply won’t allow that. So you can see the bind that I’m in – I HAVE to be the one who makes fun of Indian people first, otherwise some other Non-Indian jerk will do it before me. Follow my logic??

To be fair, here are the pros & cons of being Indian:

Pros – none
Cons – literally everything you can think of, including but not limited to Kal Penn

THAT’S RIGHT I’M OBSESSED WITH KAL PENN!!! But don’t worry, he’ll be dead before the end of the year. (Does anyone know if you’re allowed to make idle, empty threats on wordpress?)

Okay fine, maybe I’m a self-hating Indian. But, on the other hand, you should probably hate yourself too. Think on that for a while.

xoxo ttyl,
Asif

The hobos of San Fran are lovely this time of year June 1, 2009

went to san fran last week and let me tell you, it was hobos galore out there.  i guess those hobos love them some california.  plus i hear sf is hobo friendly, which seems a bit odd.  why would a city want to be hobo friendly?  what’s to gain from having a pro-hobo agenda?  do hobos vote?  do hobos pay taxes?  well of course not silly they’re hobos!  they have more important things to think about, like not having a place to live and deciding whether or not to shart again in their poopy peepee pants.  priorities, ya know.  (you and i both know that in the end, hobos always end up sharting their pants, am i right?  stop trying to be so mysterious and dramatic you hobos!)

besides the sharting hobos, i had a nice time. the city was lovely.

just realized this is my first but hopefully not last blog post with the word “shart” in it. also think this post officially means i’ll never be able to run for public office.

some of you might be asking, what does it mean to shart?

urban dictionary puts it eloquently:
sharted – an unexpected burst of shit while farting
i thought i had to fart. but i accidentally shited thence i “sharted”

also, funny and not at all surprising that this comes up on wikipedia:
Shart – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Shart could refer to one of the following Bollywood films: Home of the Shart Daddy!

seriously, being indian is the worst. everything sucks about it.

SEE I TOLD YOU May 18, 2009

you all doubted me. NOW WHO’S LAUGHING?? me. and that old guy getting serviced by the bear.

the roosevelt hotel in nyc is creepy, and other observations May 15, 2009

went to a greenfield presentation yesterday (well the last 15 min of a greenfield presentation, which they say are the best minutes to catch) at the roosevelt hotel. for those of you who don’t know what greenfield is, it doesn’t really matter. and never will. but let’s try to stay focused here.

so the roosevelt hotel. it reminded me of the shining. at every turn i kept expecting to see that guy dressed like a dog servicing the old man sitting on a bed. you know what i’m talking about. haha i know what you’re thinking, ‘uhh pretty sure that wasn’t a scene in the shining asif…’ and you would be correct.

sike, yes it was a scene. rewatch the movie to see it. i know you want to you pervert. and then when someone walks in on you watching that scene over and over again you can be all like, ‘oh see the thing is this guy asif wrote in his blog that there’s this hotel and he said watch the shining…’ and then you trail off, bc at that point it’s too late, the person who just walked in on you pretty much KNOWS you’re a filthy pervert. god i hate it when that happens. all too often, am i right?

but i digress. you’re a pervert and everyone knows it. the end.

Pretty sure i have swine flu May 4, 2009

sike. only kids and old people get swine flu. they’re always doing things like that to get attention, am i right? “oh look at me, i am afflicted with the latest media-hyped disease, love me, kiss me, me me me,” right????

anyways, enjoy this joke, courtesy of chris burke who happens to be an unapologetic racist, devout obama hater and all-around terrible guy:

They said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days in office and BAM, swine flu

please direct all hate mail/death threats/suicide bombs to chris burke, c/o equation research. he’ll respond in order of receipt (unless you manage to successfully suicide bomb him).